My Life is Full of Shit (book excerpt)

At some point you will acknowledge the shit in your life. You will not welcome it, you will not want it to stick around, but eventually you will accept it.

Practicing the diaper dance before your baby comes home is a great idea though it seems ridiculous.   The process of diapers is pretty simple, you remove the dirty one, wipe the bottom, and replace with a clean one.  Remove, wipe, replace.  The faster and better you get at this, the less likely chance of an accident involving bodily fluids and a wall.  After diapers you move on to the next part, wiping their butts.

Wiping another person’s butt is a bit like tying a tie for them. You’re not sure exactly how to do it, only how you do it and you replicate this as best you can.  You’ll probably stand next to them in a similar position as you visualize what you do.  During this stage of crap you’ll observe all the shades and hues that brown can be.  Brownish orange, brownish green, brownish black.  You’ll also learn to tell the consistency and what that means.  My wife’s grandmother is always quizzing us about our daughter’s poop.  To her they are like tea leaves, where if we just look long enough, the answer to our health questions will emerge.  She should star in a television show, CSI: Toilet Bowl.

It won’t just be poo you’ll be getting used to, all sorts of bodily fluids are about to enter your world.  Blood and puke, boogers and earwax.  It won’t just be solids and liquids, it’ll be noises too.  My kids will let fly a noise from the depths of their bodies that sends me to high alert like a submarine commander who finds a Kracken.  I ready and steady myself for anything short of spontaneous combustion.

“What made that noise? What end did that come from?” I ask, trying to plan out where I can pull over the car so that whatever bodily fluids emerge, don’t merge themselves with our car interior.  At a restaurant I grab my plate with both hands and prepare to sacrifice my meal so that whatever comes out might be contained.

It takes some time to get used to all this. You’ve finally mastered your bodily functions and fluids but when you have children you’re back at the beginning.  Eventually you’ll learn that even though your life is full of shit, you wouldn’t change a thing.

This is an essay from a book I’m writing and may not be fully polished.  If you’d like to read more about the process for writing or see more excerpts those are both online.

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