Dog (book excerpt)

At some point in our lives we believe ourselves capable of having another living thing depend on us for its survival.  Some mammalian instinct takes over and you decide to own a dog.  Sometimes this happens before children, often afterwards.  The dog will be the final piece of the Rockwellian image of your family, except that instead of a portrait of the perfect family you’re going to be covered in slobber and hair.

There is one and only one practical reason to get a dog, they eat everything off the floor.  Their singular positive skill shines even more brightly around children.  Any dropped cereal or spilled milk will be nothing to cry over because the dog will dutifully run over, look at you and in that moment of connection between man and beast, say to you, “I got this.”  This is the only thing dogs are good for besides the love they bring to you.

Don’t even think about getting a cat.  Cats don’t clean up the food that gets dropped on the floor.  In fact I can’t believe you’re reading this, I didn’t think people who owned cats even knew how to read.

After dogs complete their one helpful task everything else is downhill, and you’ll be making that trip covered in hair.  We own a labradoodle, a cross between a labrador and standard poodle.  She weighs seventy pounds and her breed began because people desired her below average shedding and above average intelligence.  In a sense I have the smartest, hypoallergenic breed which came into existence only to help people.  This is not my dog.

My dog sleeps on my bed, serving to anchor the blankets in whatever configuration they were in when she landed.  As a puppy she used to eat everything, especially the right shoe of a pair.  We lost three pairs of shoes because she ate only the right one.  Despite her hypoallergenic super power she still sheds and these balls of hair dance mockingly across the our hardwood floors.  Eating shoes weren’t the worst thing she ate, baby things were the worst. She would gnaw on soiled diapers and eat entire baby wipes.  I’ll spare you the details but those don’t pass easily.

There is also the barking.  Our dog will choose to bark at the sound of any truck traveling down our road while the children are drowsily trying to fall asleep.  When she does this I launch myself from my seat and fall upon her like a hawk on a field mouse.  She’ll even bark in the right cadence to turn on the clapper we won at a Christmas party. The scene then is lights flashing in our house while I chase the dog around as quietly as I can.  The dog then thinks we’re having a party and enjoys our brief game of chase.

There is a lot of work with kids and the same could be said of dogs.  Just like kids though, dogs will bring you great joy once they stop waking you up, peeing on your floor, and biting you.  Dog and kids, they’re not that hard to keep alive but will make you dog tired.

This is an essay from a book I’m writing and may not be fully polished.  If you’d like to read more about the process for writing this book, here’s my diary or see more excerpts.

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One thought on “Dog (book excerpt)

  1. Pingback: The Proof is in the Pudding Price – Walmart v Aldi 2013 | Mike Dariano

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